This is not a "Blog"

Bushkill Falls

2010-08-08T22:34:00.005-04:00

I've been trying to get a little healthier since I now weigh more than I've ever weighed in my life. Jaclyn and I committed to hiking every weekend. But not hiking like the first time I went to her apartment and, not knowing New York City very well, I walked form Penn Station to her apartment on 95th and 1st. (if you're not counting along, that's 64 streets and 6 avenues, or roughly 4 1/4 miles). Our first weekend of hiking started in Bushkill Falls, Pennsylvania.

Bushkill Falls is advertised as the Niagara Falls of Pennsylvania. It doesn't really compare to the real thing.

Jaclyn and me, at the beginning of our journey, which had a lot more stairs than I remembered.

Waterfalls look so much less impressive in pictures.

If only there was a way to capture movement in a picture, like some sort of video.

LOOK OUT! WILD ANIMALS ARE EVERYWHERE!

I may look calm here, but I was worried this deer would see us taking his/her picture and go all Sean Penn on us.

If you're looking for a good place to hike, this is the place to do it. Then hit up the Marshall's Creek flea market on the way back to get some Nintendo games and bottle rockets.

(back) Cape May | New York City (next)

Cape May

2010-07-31T22:34:00.004-04:00

For the past few years my family has gotten a house down in Cape May for a summer vacation. Jaclyn and I went, and here are the few pictures we took.

We went down for a few days, but only took the camera to the beach the one day. The key to a good spot on the beach is to sit next to the lifeguard area. No one's allowed to sit behind the lifeguard, so look at all that space next to us!

I'm so happy to not have little kids sitting around me!

An hour or so after we got there, some guy on a 150 foot yacht pulls up and anchors just off the beach. This thing was massive.

Whoops, forgot the zoom was still on.

Much better.

CLOSEUP!

(back) 10th Annual Saddle Brook Luau | Bushkill Falls (next)

10th Annual Saddle Brook Luau

2010-07-17T22:34:00.053-04:00

A wise person once said, "All good things must come to an end." That person was what we like to call "a buzzkill." Seriously, why do things have to end? Just keep doing them. They might even get better each time. Think about it, how many things get better the more you do them: high fives, watching Die Hard, making fun of Jill, the luau...I enjoy these things more each time I participate in them. Unfortunately, the time has come for the 10th and final Saddle Brook Luau. It started in 2000, years before I knew Kevin and Jen, and has had a great run. But now, as we approach 30, it gets harder and harder to justify a party at your friend's parents' house. Maybe another party will replace it as the one day in summer you can rely on to be fun, but right now let's enjoy the 10th and final Saddle Brook Luau.

This was Jaclyn's first luau and my first beardless luau in 5 years.

The hula girl showed up and touched her own boob.

The pool was calling my name, but it was still early, so Jaclyn and I made our way over to the beer pong table to challenge Kevin and Jen.

Kiefy and CJ, looking pissed. Why are they pissed? Because Kevin and Jen were destroying Jaclyn and me, until we went on a 7-0 cup run and beat them with one cup remaining, which was immediately followed by kevin flipping the table and dumping beer all over CJ's leg. (see the empty cups on the ground?)

Bob and Rob, not flipping the table.

____ and Drew destroying everyone

Jaclyn works for a shoe company in the city, so any time she sees an interesting design that someone is wearing she has to take a picture of it. Now every time I look through a set of pictures I find three or four pictures of shoes scattered in the mix.

Josh and Christina either came from or were going to a wedding, so they were all dressed up. I was dressed in my second-worst Hawaiian shirt because that's how I roll.

The final "Kevin barbecuing" picture.

Happy because I'm at the luau, but sad because it's the final luau.

Scott, complaining about the decorations, or telling Kevin how to barbecue, or yelling about anything

Who wants to jump in the pool? This guy!

I told you.

I don't remember if this is how it happened, but I like to think that Speedy showed up and immediately jumped in the pool before saying hi to anyone. Then he and Kevin high fived. Yeah, that didn't happen.

Ugh, this is the last luau, why are you guys making it look so boring??? What would make this more interesting for you? Medina's buttcrack?

Well you're in luck, she just happens to be fixing the sink. What if Jay showed up, would that make you happy?

Well speak of the devil, predictably in a Slayer shirt.

The awkward handshake-to-hug transition

Looks like it's getting dark out, time to hit the Four Loko.

If you've never talked to me, then you might not know what Four Loko is. Four Loko is a malt beverage currently available in 8 flavors (fruit punch, watermelon, grape, orange, blue raspberry, lemonade, cranberry lemonade, earthquake high gravity, and coming soon Lemon-Lime) that is 12% alcohol by volume. (a typical beer is roughly 4%) On top of that, it comes in a 24 ounce can. For those of you who don't have a useless math degree, that's the equivalent of 6 beers in one can. Oh, and did I mention it's also an energy drink containing caffeine, taurine, and guarana? We like to call it "mistake in a can."

I think Kevin, Mike, and I are the only people that actually like it. The grape is delicious.

I'm assuming we're laughing at Scott screaming at the people in the pool.

Nope, we're laughing at another slap contest that's started.

Ugh, I want nothing to do with Jack Daniels or whatever is on this video.

Jen and I make the "gross shot" face before she does the shot.

The Annual Pool Slam Dunk contest begins, but the remnants of the slap contest are still visible.

How did we go this many years without any major injuries?

Scott's up next. Two points?

Cos says, "Count it."

Jaclyn was taking these pictures. Where was I?

Oh that's right, not caring at all about the Dunk contest.

Jackie, Drew, Jen, me

Medina, Kevin, Kiefy, Josh, me

How great is making a whirlpool?

Not half as good as screaming, "Switch!" and trying to go the other way.

RIP The Luau.

(back) Brooklyn | Cape May (next)

Brooklyn

2010-07-10T22:33:00.012-04:00

I visited Jaclyn for the weekend so we took a look at my list of places to see in NYC (yes, I actually have a list, I have more lists than any sane person should have) and decided to head downtown to cross over to Brooklyn.

On our way down to the Brooklyn Bridge we stopped off in City Hall Park. This wasn't our first stop. Our first stop off the subway was the World Trade Center and St. Paul's, but I didn't take any pictures because it thought it was kind of creepy. (but not quite as creepy as this)

Next we walked over to South Street Seaport to have a drink and take touristy pictures.

Jaclyn wore her Bon Jour t-shirt so she could pretend to be a French tourist and speak in an accent all day.

Ugh, I thought my hair looked like that in the first picture because the wind was blowing, but apparently it looked like that all day.

Some...buildings.

I was totally trying to get a picture up Ben Franklin's shirt.

The Woolworth Building

The car entrance to the Brooklyn Bridge

The Manhattan Municipal Building (I don't actually know any of these buildings, I had to look all of them up)

Yes, this is a real sign. Yes, I got dirty looks for taking a picture of it. Totally worth it.

The Brooklyn Bridge looked super crowded before we started walking, which I was kind of pissed about because the thought of me being trapped on a bridge with thousands of people made me want to turn around and go home.

The cars were so close to us when we first entered the walkway. Jaclyn and I play a game with car license plates that starts over every day. The first person to see a license plate from any particular state gets to punch the other person and yell out the state's name, and you can't repeat any. Bridges in New York are perfect for this because there are license plates from everywhere. And because domestic violence is awesome.

As we were walking the bridge was less and less crowded, probably because there were storm clouds forming over Brooklyn and no one wants to walk around with a bunch of wet hipsters.

I kept forgetting the white lines were a bike path and I almost got run over like 8 times.

After a certain point you are surrounded by a web of cables. I'm pretty sure they're for structural support and not to prevent people from jumping for two reasons: 1. The car lanes are right below you. 2. If your life is so bad that your solution is jumping into the East River, we should probably just let you go.

Hooray touristy pictures!

Lower Manhattan

I kept insisting that Jaclyn stop trying to shake the cables, but she wouldn't listen.

You just can't tell this girl what to do.

Me and Jaclyn

I like'd being on the bridge because you can see just about every major New York City landmark. Here's Governor's Island and the tip of the Lower East Side.

The Statue of Liberty

The Empire State Building in the middle of the midtown skyline

The Manhattan Bridge with the Williamsburg Bridge in the distance

People were getting married in the Brooklyn Bridge Park.

We made it all the way across and not a drop of rain fell.

After taking a few minutes and a few wrong turns to figure out where we were (neither of us has every really walked around Brooklyn before) we managed to find some of the popular tourist destinations.

Like the Brooklyn Bridge, which, as you know, we found earlier.

Some fancy party, I couldn't really tell what it was. It wasn't a wedding, and it wasn't a prom. Jaclyn thought it might be a Quinceañera, which I had never heard of, but I guess it's kind of like the Latin American equivalent to a Bat Mitzvah.

We walked around Brooklyn a little bit to try to find Grimaldi's Pizza, which is supposedly the best pizza in the world. I can't really tell if it is, because I haven't tried all of the pizza in the world, including Grimaldi's because the line went down the block to get it. So we walked literally around the corner to Ignazio's, which had great, reasonably priced pizza and, more importantly, no line.

We finished up here at the Brooklyn Ice Cream Factory which was...regular ice cream. I mean, it's no Cliff's, I'll tell you that.

(back) 4th of July | 10th Annual Saddle Brook Luau (next)

4th of July

2010-07-04T22:33:00.006-04:00

Happy Fourth of July! Jaclyn and I had planned on spending the evening sitting on my balcony with a few drinks to watch the fireworks over Lake Hopatcong. Unfortunately, we couldn't see the fireworks over the trees. So we made our own fireworks display with sparklers I've had for nearly a decade!

Eight year old sparklers are impossible to light one at a time, so I light them four at a time.

See? Tiny explosions make me happy.

Oooooohhhhhh...aaaahhhhhhhh.

Happy Independence Day!

(back) Slapfest 2010 | Brooklyn (next)

Slapfest 2010

2010-07-03T22:32:00.004-04:00

When Odie invited me to a pool party I didn't expect it to turn into the party of the summer. We were having so much fun we forgot to take pictures. (well, that and we were in the pool and didn't want to get the camera wet.) When we did manage to snap a few, it was of me, Rob, Sam, and Tim having a back slapping contest. We also took some video of it, but because blogger is terrible, none of them were uploading correctly.

Here I am, trying to convince everyone to slap Rob just one more time.

I got the lightest slaps. At this point they were already starting to fade, so it kind of looks like I was slapped by a ghost.

Tim had some nasty marks. When we slapped each other it was like a Polaroid because it would slowly turn red in the shape of a hand.

Rob had, by far, the worst slap on his back. It was red, purple, and white.

Rob, me, Sam, Tim

(back) Divorce party | 4th of July (next)

Divorce Party

2010-06-12T22:32:00.016-04:00

Julie and I were officially divorced on June 29, 2010, just short of three years. (sorry to all of you who bet the over, which I believe was set at 3 years) To celebrate my new divorce I had a divorce party at Dave and Buster's in the Palisades Mall.

Note: As I mentioned in the invite, some of you may have thought it was weird to have a divorce party. But the party was not to celebrate the end of my marriage to Julie. We had both mourned our relationship's end, and moved forward with our lives. The process of coming to that place was painful, emotional, angry, sad, regretful, and stressful. The event was to celebrate the end of that long, painful process. It was to celebrate a new chapter in my life, and to be hopeful of my future.

As soon as Josh showed up he had all of us doing Jaeger Bombs.

Mmmmm...tastes like guido.

I get a little sloppy with my Jaeger Bombs. Actually that may have been my first one.

Medina was there, despite me not inviting her.

Me and Kiefy, ready to play some games

I AM THE KING OF DAVE AND BUSTER'S!

Eric : Jill :: Medina : Eric

Speedy and Krystyn, who I believe traveled further than anyone else there

Crowd shot: Kim, Jen, Kiefy, Rob, Josh, Kadina, Jean, Pat, Medina, me

Same shot with Jaclyn traded for Kim

Chris and I saved the world from Zombies (you're welcome) while Cenk talked about penises.

(back) Memorial Day Weekend | Slapfest 2010 (next)

Memorial Day Weekend

2010-05-28T22:30:00.007-04:00

For Memorial Day I visited Jaclyn in New York City. You remember Jaclyn. We dated from like 2001-2004. Wait, that was before this blog existed. Wait, the only people that read this are people that knew me from 2001-2004. Okay, well, anyway, we started dating again. I still live in New Jersey, but she lives in New York City, which means that every weekend we see each other will be an adventure. But I'm pumped because I like being a tourist, so here's what we did on Memorial Day Weekend.

Jaclyn's dad got us tickets to see the Yankees play the Cleveland Indians. This is what's left of the old Yankee Stadium, which is very similar to every place that has been shut down that I used to hang out at the start of this blog, including The Brewhaha, The Laughing Lion, PJ my skydiving instructor, Dover Lanes, Vineddi's, and the Springdale Junction.

I still turn into a little kid when I get near Yankee Stadium. To be honest, I'm kind of a little kid all the time.

Because Jaclyn's dad is the man, our seats were 18 rows behind the Yankee dugout (face value $250 a piece). If you recall correctly, my normal budget for Yankee games is bleacher seats on discount night (face value $5 a piece).

We're so good looking it's sickening.

Why do I always get stuck seeing crappy AJ Burnett pitch?

I probably won't be this close to the field ever again. Until we ask her dad for more tickets.

I had never taken the subway out of Yankee Stadium before. Picture all of these people on one subway train together. You get really friendly really quickly.

We also went to Grand Central Station, to which I had never been. If you stand and face opposite corners in this section you can talk and hear each other perfectly because of the acoustics. Unfortunately, to people passing by, it looks like you're peeing in the corner.

To native New Yorkers this seems pretty mundane. But to someone who's only taken trains into crappy Penn Station his whole life, it was pretty exciting.

The ceiling has constellations on it! How can you not get excited???

I know, right? We're so good looking. Mostly me. But Jaclyn, too.

I love being super-tourist.

I'll even take a picture of the outside of the building. I don't care.

After Grand Central Station we headed over to the Frying Pan. (worst website ever) It's basically a boat that's permanently docked at Pier 66 at West 26th Street. You order at the outdoor bar and they have plastic lawn chairs and tables randomly scattered on the dock and the boat and it's kind of first come first served. We stood for a while and split a pitcher of sangria before finding some seats because it was super crowded due to the holiday weekend.

We also walked over to the Met, which I have never been to. I'm not really interested in most Art exhibits, but the Egyptian section was awesome.

With the exception of the Egyptian stuff, I wasn't too impressed. I don't really care about most of the art exhibits that are there. That is, until we were walking along the American wing and stumbled upon a dead end hallway. I noticed that there were baseball cards, so I walked over and my jaw dropped when I saw this original T206 Honus Wagner card. Right now most of the guys reading this are impressed, while none of the girls have any idea what I'm talking about. It's considered the Holy Grail of baseball cards and is the most expensive baseball card in the world. Only 50-200 were printed and in 2007 an anonymous collector purchased one for $2.8 million. And for you nerds, the Met pin was orange the day we went.

(back) Poconos | Divorce Party (next)

Poconos

2010-03-06T17:22:00.025-05:00

It's that time of year again. Rob invited everyone up for another great (possibly the last?) Poconos party! Everyone else drove up there Friday (don't you people have jobs?) but Stacy and Josh were nice enough to let me catch a ride with them on Saturday.

I was trying to get a picture of myself in the mirror, but instead managed to get a picture of Josh on the phone. He was calling Sirius radio because they had a problem with his billing. He sounded angry and kept getting transferred, and I just sat in the back reading because I knew it was gonna get ugly. He finally hung up, and I was like, "So...how'd that go for you?" He said, "Great. They refunded my credit card for this month's service, and they gave me three more free months of service." I need to grow a backbone on the phone so stuff like that starts happening to me.

One of my favorite things about driving up to the Poconos is that I feel like I'm driving from a normal, populated New Jersey suburban town, and then, two hours later, I'm in a house in the middle of the woods. Unfortunately, when you're driving from Stacy and Josh's house, you're pretty much in the middle of the woods right from the beginning.

Pennsylvania! As I mentioned before, Josh had a problem with his Sirius radio, so instead we listened to Richard Cheese the entire trip.

Fast forward, and we're all packed into the driveway at the Poconos! My favorite part of the Poconos parties is that, when you arrive, everyone runs outside and cheers! Here's shirtless Sam, Gina, and Jen welcoming us!

Kiefy and me. I need to get my own camera, because when I'm trying to take pictures with other people's cameras I end up yelling, "TAKE THE PICTURE" at the camera while it flashes and then I look goofy.

Me and Jen, with no flash. That's okay, there'll be more later.

Inside I found Kevin, who was staring at his soda waiting for the foam to settle.

After we went inside and put our stuff down, Sam screamed, "BARE BUTTS IN THE SNOW!", ran outside, pulled down his shorts, and put his bare butt in the snow.

Buttcheek prints.

Rob and Jen were already starting up the beer pong out on the back porch.

They were playing against Kiefy (who doesn't even like beer, which confuses me every time I see her playing beer pong)...

...and Sam, who is the second best beer pong player I've ever seen. (second only to Jean, who's so tall and has such long arms that he dunks each ball)

I was cold and forgot to pack a sweatshirt, so Krystyn and Gina made me a sweater.

Upstairs Odie was playing Ice Hockey on Nintendo against the Russians, while Kevin provided play-by-play as if it was the actual Olympic gold medal finals. I have to say, it was more entertaining than the actual Olympics.

Odie lost 5 games in a row, but made improvements each time until finally his two fats-two skinnies combo worked. We were so excited when we won, I've never felt so patriotic.

A crowd of Cos, Speedy, and Krystyn gathered to see what the excitement was all about. I decided to go back downstairs to check out the beer pong.

Sam, Scott, and Cosimo went outside to go chase the wild turkeys (or "hunt for dinner" as they said) so Kiefy was missing a beer pong partner. I was happy to jump in.

Surpringsly they couldn't catch the turkeys. Sam was very disappointed that he'd been bumped from the beer pong table, and then insulted my mad skills. (which was appropriate because I'm horrible at beer pong)

Upstairs, Krystyn and Stacy went to sleep already. You may notice the sun peeking in through the blinds. That's because it was only...

5:30!!!! Hahahahahah! Lightweights!

Back downstairs, Renee started telling me the story of her friends that got engaged and then one of them attacked a family with an ax or something. Then Scott jumped in to correct her because she forgot about the part where someone broke someone's windshield. Then Cos jumped in to tell his version. Then, finally, we defaulted to Kevin to start the story over and tell it correctly. In the future, if you ever have a story that you need to tell me and Kevin was there, just default to him because he'll tell it better.

Gina and Sam, in bright white sweatshirts. They're very fashionable.

Cosimo and Renee (and I see Krystyn is up from her nap in the background)

You may recall that Gina, at her wedding, in her wedding dress, decided to fart on my leg during the reception. Later, I got her back at Meesh's birthday party, shortly before she returned the air poop to my leg in the same night. Well, we are still warring and exchanged another round of ass-ammunition before coming up with another plan: I wanted to get a picture of Gina farting on everyone at the party. First victim: Stacy.

It was dark out on the porch, so we lit up the spider-web-covered bird to keep things festive.

Sorry Krystyn, you're victim #2. Only 14 more people to go.

Rob and Odie made preparations to fight off any of Gina's fart attempts.

Unfortunately Josh and Christina couldn't make it, so Jen, Rob, Kiefy, Gina, and Speedy did their best Josh poses for this one.

Sorry Mr. Josh, you're vitim #3. Rob loves it.

Whoever was in charge of the ipod put on some Oasis, which caused a massive sing along.

I saw Odie drawing on the pizza box. I thought maybe he was writing down a message for someone, or adding to the pizza logo, or something else creative...

Then I remembered it was Odie.

Okay, back to the beer pong. Odie and Speedy kept throwing change on the table when it was my turn to throw, and they'd arrange it in weird orders depending on where I threw.

So I decided to try the same (which didn't have the same effect, as you can see by the lone cup remaining on my side)

I heard the girls going nuts by one of the jukeboxes and wondered what the commotion was about.

Oh, they found "Baby Baby" by Amy Grant.

Sam kept standing on the couch and throwing his hands up in the air. Probably not the best idea. You'll find out why later.

Someone started drawing "tattoos" on everyone's arms. I really hope it was with sharpie.

Mr Josh got a pizza slice with "The Chef" (not to be confused with "The Cube"), and Sam and his buttcheek snow imprints

Keep in mind, the dance party hasn't stopped this whole time.

Rob singing along to Ice Ice Baby. No, not the 1989 version. The 1998 version, which Rob owns.

Oh yeah, everyone's looking really good around this point of the night.

Gina and Kiefy metalling out.

Not quite sure why, but I took a picture of the ceiling fan, which is proof that it was in one piece at the beginning of the night.

The weekend worked out perfectly, because the downstairs party was the wild party, but if you wanted to mellow out you'd come up here to the upstairs party.

Who wouldn't want to come upstairs and chill out with Bear Serving Salsa?

Cosimo and CJ, with Kevin reflecting in the mirror behind them.

Upstairs party is sleepy as hell. Let's go back downstairs.

That's more like it. Sam's wearing Renee's hoodie, Krystyn's dancing, and I've received word that Gina and Kiefy exchanged bras.

Jay approves. Downstairs party is where it's at. Do they have Sweet Onion potato chips at upstairs party? I didn't think so.

I made fun of Sam for wearing Renee's hoodie, not realizing I was wearing Gina's scarf.

Let's just check in on upstairs party again. Oh, looks like they're watching American Psycho on VHS. In 2010.

Hahahahahaha, Mr. Josh alone on the porch, partied out.

And we close out the night with hugs all around. It was really weird that all 17 people went to bed at the exact same time.

And then basically all woke up the next morning at exactly the same time.

Remember when I said Sam kept jumping up and down with his arms up? He got a LITTLE too close to the ceiling fan, breaking off a blade that shot across the room and hit Rob right in the forehead. I REALLY wish I saw it. (Rob was okay, minus a few scratches)

Broken ceiling fan may be the end of the Poconos parties.

We had to start getting the cars out so people could leave, but some of them had trouble because there was still snow on the driveway.

Odie and Speedy tried to dig out the snow from behind their tires while Cosimo and I started throwing snowballs at them and dumping snow right back behind the cars.

Finally, with no help from me, they got out Odie's car, and a full-on snowball fight started.

And as Odie pulled out full speed to avoid us throwing snowballs at his car, he wacked the snow bank at the end of the driveway. Don't worry; Cosimo, Scott, and I confirmed there was no permanent damage.

Next up was Kiefy's car. I stood in front of the tire so that when it spins and kicks up gravel I get pelted with it.

We held this position while speedy dug out some more snow.

(as evidenced by this picture)

Scott started rolling the biggest snowball he could pick up to launch at us while we pushed.

After Speedy came up with the rocking technique we got the car out. Then I stopped helping.

Full-on snowball fight continues.

Krystyn drove Kiefy's car out of the snow. So what did we do when Kiefy tried to get in her car to leave? We threw snowballs at her, of course!

And more snowballs.

And more as she pulled out.

Alright, who's car is next? Cos, Scott, and Renee?

And the onslaught continues on their car.

Hahahaha, right in the side window.

When we couldn't feel our hands anymore we went back inside, and Kevin read off the list of 1159 words banned from personalized NFL jerseys purchased on NFLshop.com. Out loud. To save you some time, I'll list my top 10 favorites for you:

1. ASS PUPPIES

2. BAZONGAS

3. BUTTPLUG

4. CROTCH ROT

5. CUMQUAT

6. TONGUE THRUSTER

7. GENITAL

8. HERSHEYHIGHWAY

9. JUGGALO

10. PUBE LICE

This went on for a while.

Stacy, Josh, and I packed up and made our way home, until this jerk wouldn't get out of the road.

MOVE!

Cross the Delaware, and we're back in NJ where we belong!

(back) Brooklyn Brewery | Memorial Day Weekend (next)

Brooklyn Brewery

2010-02-27T22:02:00.002-05:00

I really like beer. I've never been to a brewery before, and I've been meaning to get out to Brooklyn to visit Jay. Conveniently, the Brooklyn Brewery has the power to solve all of my problems! Well, not really all of my problems, just those two. So Jay and I made plans for me to stay with him and head out to the brewery the next day.

I don't have a camera anymore, so I've been borrowing different ones from people. Each time I do, I have to figure out how to use it and I end up with a few of these tester pictures at the beginning of each set. It took me until we actually got to the brewery to figure out how to use the flash.

Went down to catch the train at the Dover train station. While there, I saw a guy with a tattoo across his throat of the word "Undertaker" and the logo of the wrestler, and a homeless woman yelled at me, "Shut the hell up motherfucker!" even though I wasn't talking.

Who's still using pay phones in 2010? And, in case you were wondering, pay phones are up to 50 cents now. "Can I have TWO quarters so I can make a phone call?" Ugh.

Onto the train for an hour of snow and trees.

This was one of the fancy new double-decker NJ Transit trains, so I was able to see the skyline slightly quicker than I would have on a single-decker train.

I'm convinced that snow isn't white in New York. I think it falls out of the sky a gray/dirt color instead of white like everywhere else.

Empire State Building, looking good, keep it up.

I thought Jay was working until 7, so I got into the city at 3 to walk around and be a tourist for a while. As I was walking I saw this cool building, so I took a picture of it. After I took the picture, I realized it was the building that Jay works in!

Jay told me he was getting out at 4 instead of 7, so I had considerably less time to walk around. I decided to take a quick hike down to Washington Square Park, and I saw this old building on the way. (I don't know what anything is called, I just take pictures of things if I like the way they look)

I've never been to this park in the summer, but I really like the way it looks in the winter.

There were a lot of half-melted snow forts and snowmen.

Also families building snowmen, along with mothers calling the police because creepy bearded men were taking pictures of their kids.

Monument for Alexander Lyman Holley, an engineer who helped start the American steel industry after the invention of the Bessemer process for mass producing steel.

Washington's Arch was built to commemorate the 100th anniversary of George Washington's inauguration.

Closer to the Arch

Twenty-six years after the arch was constructed they added two statues of George Washington, one depicting him as a civilian and...

...one of him in the military.

North side of Washington's Arch. On the way back to meet Jay I stopped and got the best falafel sandwich I've ever had, but for the life of me I can't remember the name of the place. It was somewhere between Greenwich Village and Chelsea, which doesn't help you at all.

A quick ride on the L and we were at Jay's apartment in Brooklyn. I quickly became good friends with Stitches, the dog of the house.

Stitches is awesome because she pretty much takes care of herself and just does whatever she wants. Kind of like a cat, but more social and craps outside.

Jay. There were spindles of burnt CDs everywhere, each with different combinations more bizarre as you got deeper into the spindle. The CD on the top of this one had The Real Ghostbusters Season 1, the Led Zeppelin discography, and An American Werewolf In London.

We were going to go to a bar not too far from the apartment, but I was beat so we just got a six pack from the liquor store and stayed in with Jay's roommates for the night.

And Stitches, but she went to sleep before we did.

The next morning we headed out to the subway to get to the brewery.

I have an irrational fear of falling on the tracks, so I have to stand on the opposite end as anyone else because I don't like to have my backs to people while waiting for any type of train.

You'd never know it, but this building is the Brooklyn Brewery.

If I didn't see the big B in the window I would have walked right by it.

We walked in and this cat was working the register.

Next to the register they had these windows with really cool old glass bottles and swingtops.

We met near these big vats and barrels to take the tour of the brewery.

This was our tour guide, who someone (Sam maybe?) said they went to high school with.

These are big metal things that beer goes in. I think.

And that's a big funnel thing that they put something in that makes beer. I was kind of bored and wasn't really interested after like 5 minutes, especially when he said they only brew about 10% of the beer in that building. The rest is brewed upstate somewhere.

As I walked back out to the pub area I stopped to pet the cat again, and I learned his name was Monster and that they named Brooklyn Monster Ale after him!

After the tour, everyone crowded around the only TV in the building to watch the USA vs. Canada gold medal hockey game.

Then this dog (who might belong to the brewery or one of the customers, I don't know) wouldn't let me pet it. I hate him or her.

Every time someone walked in front of the TV everyone would yell at them.

Team USA pulled their goalie and yelled, "GREAT, IT'S OVER, THAT NEVER WORKS WHEN I DO IT IN NHL 2003 FOR PS2!"

And, of course, they scored within a minute of me saying that.

Yay! I'm wrong! Look how uninterested everyone else is.

Jay, our bartender, me

They had three beers that are only available in the brewery. This one was the Gold Bitter, which the tour guide told me was essentially the '55 Pennant Ale with more hops added to it.

This girl was talking to us while we watched the game, but I can't remember her name.

Pretty sure this was her boyfriend, but I don't remember his name either. I need to start carrying a notepad around with me when I'm taking pictures.

I took a picture of Monster's tag because my dad likes to play the lottery with numbers from animal registrations, but Monster didn't have a registration number.

The Canadians scored and that made everyone clear out pretty quickly.

They had bottles of Brooklyn Local 1 and 2 in this cooler that you could buy for 3 tokens (tokens are $4 each, so you'd be paying $12) or you could just go to any liquor store ever and pay $9.

Before we left, Jay handed me three more tokens so I would have to come back again.

One more picture of me in mid sentence with our bartender

The had 9 beers on tap. I can try Brooklyn Lager, Pilsner, Brown, '55 Pennant Ale, and IPA whenever I want because they're pretty widely available, but the others are harder to come by. The cookie Jar Porter was great, as was the Blast! (their double IPA) but they both have a really high alcohol % so you have to be careful. (I learned that lesson the hard way, because it caught up to me really quickly) The Weisse tasted like ham and was disgusting. Seriously, I'm getting nauseous just thinking about it.

One last picture of Monster guarding the door.

And one picture of me and Jay with the guy that actually does guard the door.

I hate this dog so much.

See the hatred?

This is a good example of why you shouldn't take me to a brewery. I start taking pictures with strangers that I've never met, and I have no recollection of why I have a picture with her or what I said to her. I also have no idea who took the picture, but I assume it was Jay.

Jay and I got back on our train and went our separate ways. He told me that I had to stop and switch trains at two different stations, which I somehow did with no problem, and stopped to throw up in a garbage can at both train stations. (note: If you have already been sick for a few days, don't drink your face off at a brewery and then get on three trains. It won't end well) My friend Jeremy wants to buy me this shirt.

Am I the only human that doesn't completely despise riding the subway? Oh, that's right, I'm the reason that people don't like the subway.

(back) Meesh's Birthday | Poconos (next)

Meesh's Birthday

2010-01-30T18:35:00.017-05:00

To celebrate her birthday, Meesh invited everyone out to the Brunswick Grove, which I complained to everyone about because it was one of my least favorite bars ever. (and then, five minutes after getting there, I realized I had it confused with a different bar) Josh texted me the day before to invite me to stay over at his house so I wouldn't have to drive all over the state. I got there early (but still later than I told them) to have an amazing dinner with Josh, Kiefy, and Christina. Best hosts ever.

This was my first visit to Josh and Christina's house, and it's awesome. Their neighbor has an ice skating rink in his back yard, so I took stealth pictures of it through their back door because, when you look like me, people tend to frown on you taking pictures of their kids.

Finn was crazy excited to see me and licked the inside of my nostrils.

After dinner we hopped in the car and drove over to the bar. Medina got us lost and tried to blame it on Meesh.

Kiefy and I sat in the back seat and laughed as Josh and Christina argued about how to get there.

They didn't tell me Sam would be there! And he brought his beard!

Just like old times.

Krystyn, Speedy, Sam, Gina, me

Hang on Josh, that picture didn't come out so well, can I take another?

There we go, MUCH better!

There was a band at the bar, and maybe it's just because I'm 90 years old, but I hate bands at bars. It's always too goddamned loud. Anyway, they were playing Signed, Sealed, Delivered, I'm Yours and Sam came up with his own dance for it.

I can't beat Mort's pregnant belly, but my weekly fat sandwiches are helping!

Gina, Sam, and me. Remember when Gina farted on my leg at her wedding? Yeah, she did it again tonight.

Jean, Kiefy, Medina, Kim, Josh, me

I just met Felicia a few weeks earlier at a party at Stacy and Josh's house, and found out she knows both Stacy and Meesh! It seems like everyone I meet knows at least two of my friends.

Me and Meesh's mom, who actually looks younger than me.

Meesh's dad and me, both rocking some pretty sweet beards.

Meesh's mom, Josh, Meesh, Meesh's dad. It took me this long to get a picture of Meesh because she was standing in front of the band and I'm took cranky to be standing in front of speakers.

On the way back to Josh and Christina's place. Christina looks really pissed, but you would be too if you had to deal with me riding shotgun at midnight shooting flash into your retinas while you're driving.

We made a pit stop for my first experience at...

...wait for it, Kiefy, I know you're excited...

SONIC! Holy crap was it good. Nothing is better than a night of drinking at a bar capped off with tater tots.

Back at the house the party continued, with Finn trying to bite Sam's face off.

Sam, in a moment of inspiration, wrote down what was, according to him, the best title for an album/movie/song/etc. We also got Sam (a well-documented New Jersey hater) to admit that Bruce Springsteen is a significant part of American culture. SUCCESS!

The next morning I got up nice and early to watch Josh play NHL 2009 on his Xbox360 in his monogrammed bathrobe.

Happy birthday, Meesh!

(back) New Year's Eve | Brooklyn Brewery (next)

New Year's Eve

2009-12-31T18:11:00.024-05:00

New Year's Eve is my least favorite holiday. it gets built up every year, and then no one makes plans, and it ends up being a last minute crappy party at someone's house that doesn't live up to even the least amount of hype. When I got an email from Kevin about this year's New Year's Eve I was skeptical. I thought it was going to be expensive and terrible, but he won me over with his description:

"Two years ago, in Wildwood, NJ on New Year's Eve, I went down a water slide at 3AM after a night of drinking and eating Wawa hoagies.

I never want to be doing anything but that again."

If that doesn't convince you to sign up, then I don't want to hang out with you.

(All of these pictures were stolen from Medina without her permission, but I'm sure she'll understand because she's Puerto Rican and probably steals things all the time.)

Nine of us split a 3 bedroom suite at the Montego Bay Resort in Wildwood, NJ. This was Josh and Christina's bedroom. There was another bedroom with a king sized bed and a third bedroom with two queen sized beds in it. I can't believe how cheap this suite was.

Mike, Kiefy, and CJ in the huge living room.

It was nice having a full kitchen, even though we had no intention of using anything but the fridge.

Dining room and the balcony. We made bets on who would pee/throw things off the balcony first, but I don't think anyone did. For the record, I had my money on Mort peeing.

Someone brought this awesome mini ping pong set which kept everyone entertained for much longer than it should have

Action shot of Josh

Kevin loves it

Alright, we're kind of sick of this now.

CJ loves the Wii

I guess this is the new Punch Out game that the kids are talking about? I don't know, I wasn't even there yet. And I'm old and lame.

Yeah! Now I'm here!

Josh and Medina, positioning for a picture.

This is actually just a cardboard cut out of Josh. The real Josh couldn't make it.

Medina and Mort. I found out this weekend that I am the sole reason for Mort not having a facebook account. He used to have one, but the comments I was leaving on his wall were too offensive and he was afraid people from his job would see it and fire him. I successfully put Mort's job in jeopardy and got him to delete his facebook account at the same time. My life is a success.

Medina and Kiefy, and a telephone from 1973

We had our work cut out for us, so we started early. I don't know why every person felt a need to bring an entire case of beer.

First beer of the night! (Well, for me at least)

Immediately after we opened them, Kevin was like, "We're walking to dinner in two minutes, so drink them fast."

We walked down to Owen's Pub, which was having a $2.50 cheeseburger special. This was the only time that eating vegetarian actually benefited me when we split the check at the end of the night, because my meal was much more than that and, after we all ate and drank our faces off, it was only like $15 a person!

Kevin's pumped as hell for cheap cheeseburgers!

Josh, Christina, Mike, Kevin, CJ, and Mort started ordering pitchers of Guinness. I refuse to drink Guinness from a pitcher unless I'm literally drinking it directly from the pitcher.

Medina, despite being married to Josh, hasn't had Guinness in years.

Couples that drink Guinness together stay together. Wait, that's not entirely true.

There was a lot of Guinness toasting going on throughout the night.

Our lame table (me, Kiefy, Glen, Steph, Jill, Indy) with a less enthusiastic toast.

I have to choose my words carefully in telling this next story. Jill started dating Indy a few weeks prior to this night. This was his first time meeting any of her friends from college. By the end of the night, they were no longer dating. I will end the story there, because I'm afraid he'll find me and kill me, but ask me in person if you want the entire story.

I'm fairly certain Kevin and CJ would never find me and kill me.

That's not even close to resembling a tree. Try harder next time, Owen's. On the way out we tried to order a round of shots for the road, but the bartender said, and I quote, "We don't have shot glasses." I'm pretty sure that was his polite way of refusing us service.

Kiefy piggy-backed to the hotel.

I think I may have crapped my pants during this picture.

Back at the suite we started playing the loudest game of Asshole I've ever played in my life. Good thing there were no other guests for us to bother staying in any of the other rooms because no one goes to the Jersey Shore in December.

I was the main reason it was the loudest game ever.

Kiefy and CJ were less than pleased with Kevin's suggestion to make it a game of "strip Asshole."

Everyone was trying to explain that when you have one card left and it's a 2 then you have to say, "Last card," and hold it out so someone can grab it from you. I couldn't have cared any less.

And neither could Medina.

Kiefy and I started playing on the same team.

I'm not sure if I was shuffling like that to hug Kiefy or put her in a headlock so I could choke her out.

Time to take a break from the card games.

CJ and Kevin, looking at CJ's rack

Mort's not looking so good and it's still early.

There is no way I can come up with a caption that will make this picture any better than it already is.

Jill, posing for a new Facebook profile picture.

Shortly after the ball dropped (which we didn't see because Kevin insisted on watching some idiot drive a car over a ramp or something) we all went down to the pool, which turned into all of us going into the hot tub, while drinking beer, next to underage strangers. Mort told me that he was standing in this picture because he was peeing in the hot tub. I don't know why that required him to stand up, but I believe him.

Three hours after this picture was taken, everyone else went up to the room because they're all light weights, while me, Kiefy, and Mike went down the water slide repeatedly for an hour.

Steph, Glen, Kevin, Mort, Josh, and me. How awesome is one girl and five guys in a hot tub? (answer: Not awesome at all)

alright now we're rounding it out a little more.

Much better ratio

Josh, Josh's chest hair, Medina

The rest of the night consisted of Kevin and Mort trying to convince the three 13 year old guys in the hot tub (who they only referred to as "The Jonas Brothers." Not like, "Hey, look we're in the pool with The Jonas Brothers!" It was more like, "Hey Jonas brothers, blah blah blah") to make out with the three 16 year old girls in the hot tub, me almost getting kicked out of the pool for going down the slide head first three consecutive times (despite being told by the lifeguard not to do it each individual time), and Kevin throwing up at approximately 12:01 before going to bed.

The next day we went downstairs to a diner nearby for breakfast. Hahahahaha, look how hurt Kevin looks.

Josh didn't get in the previous picture so he thought he should monopolize this one.

Kevin and Kiefy, for some insane reason, wanted to go in the ocean before we left. They handed me the camera, but I thought they just didn't want to get it wet. Apparently I was supposed to take pictures with it, which is why Kiefy's screaming at me while they're getting frostbite in their feet.

Whatever, how am I supposed to know that when someone hands me a camera they want me to take pictures?

Keep in mind, it was a high of 38 that day and everyone else was pissed that they had to wait because it was too cold to stand on the boardwalk, let alone go in the ocean.

Happy New Year!

(back) Dixie | Meesh's Birthday (next)

Dixie

2009-11-01T19:26:00.007-05:00

The day after Halloween we had to put Dixie to sleep. Dixie had a kidney disorder that went undiagnosed for a long time. She was diagnosed with Lyme disease (it runs in the family) which probably accelerated the kidney problems and ultimately led to her death. She was 6 or 7 years old (the shelter was unsure of her age when she was adopted) and was a great dog. It's been a few months and I still wake up at 5:00am expecting to let her out. I miss her every day.

(back) Halloween | New Year's Eve (next)

Halloween

2009-10-31T13:25:00.005-04:00

Happy Halloween!

Dixie was a rooster for Halloween.

She LOVED her costume. She looks miserable in these pictures because anytime she's told to stay she feels like she did something wrong.

(back) Clara Joy | Dixie (next)

Clara Joy

2009-10-25T19:04:00.007-04:00

Adam and JaneAnn had their third child, Clara Joy. This makes me an uncle for the third time. Well, actually, Julie has two nephews and niece, so really it's an uncle for the 6th time. Well, those kids are from her half sister, so it's actually like me being an uncle for the 4 1/2 time. But her family doesn't really count anymore, so I'm sticking to "uncle for the third time."

Clara yawning. She's kind of had a long day.

Clara and her grandma

And time for her closeup.

(back) The Worst Witch | Halloween (next)

The Worst Witch

2009-10-24T19:04:00.009-04:00

Kevin invited me over to his place (he and CJ live with Sam and Gina, who, as you may recall, just recently got married) to watch The Worst Witch, which is probably one of the worst Halloween movies you will ever see. But I am living with my parents until December 1, so anything will motivate me to get out of the house.

Before the movie we got pumped up with a little Beatles Rock Band.

Kevin had to show CJ how to use the controller because she's a woman.

Sam got in a little late from work, came into the living room, and died.

I sat on the couch and drank while avoiding Gina farting on me again.

It kind of looks like CJ is posing for a picture, but she is genuinely this happy while playing the game, and also dances the entire time.

I don't really like the Beatles so I don't even know half the songs.

Gina gave it a shot

Sam watched while eagerly waiting for The Worst Witch.

I used the bathroom and noticed that there were Playboys in there. Who actually has a subscription to Playboy that they keep in their bathroom? Why, Sam of course.

Kevin's not fun to play these games with because he's always really good.

CJ, of course, was the first to fall asleep.

(back) Sam and Gina's Wedding | Clara Joy (next)

Sam & Gina's Wedding

2009-10-09T22:12:00.063-04:00

I'm just going to rename this website "Weddings & Yankee Games" because that's what it's turned into. That may be true for now, but it's going to change really soon. I promise. I'll be fun again. Not that I haven't been fun, I just wasn't taking pictures. Okay, I wasn't fun. But I'm fun again, and I'm taking pictures again. Anyway, Sam and Gina were nice enough to include me in their wedding, so here are the pictures from one of the best weekends in a long time.

There were thirteen of us that rented a house on Long Beach Island, and when I got there everyone (including Rob, Josh, and Medina, pictured here) was half in the bag and playing Asshole.

Renee was especially excited to see me, but refused to fit in my camera's frame.

Medina and her horrible fake nails posed as Speedy destroyed Cosimo in Wii Sports Resort.

Me and Kiefy, who tried to make out with me at least 7 different times that I can remember (and, from what I'm told, 4 that I can't remember).

Rob made fun of me because I brought all the ingredients necessary to make Old Fashioneds and Manhattans.

Cosimo, furious that he can't beat Speedy at Wii 3-point shoot-out.

Renee is always happy, which is the opposite of what you would expect from someone who is engaged to Cos.

This is more of the face that I would expect.

The only part of the orange that I actually needed for my drink was the peel, but Renee and Jen decided they needed to rub their noses on it and ruin it for me.

It started to get late so I put on my sweet glow-in-the-dark onesie footie pajamas. (Yes, I know the clock says it's 10:45, but that's late for me.)

Jen is happy, I am repulsed.

Cosimo and Speedy, desperately trying to Wii row

I went outside to see what Jay and Josh were doing

Jay and Josh were barbecuing steaks, but I was much more interested in the bikes that Rob and Medina were riding. They found them around the back of the house and insisted on riding them.

Josh mastered the girly bike, but I think it was because it had training wheels.

Look at him go! Over gravel and everything!

Rob, metal-ing out on his bike.

Rob and Josh playing the worst game of chicken ever.

There's definitely a ceiling on the level of awesome you can achieve on a pink bike with training wheels, and Josh has maxed out.

Medina tried riding the bike with the flat tire.

This picture was taken 5 minutes later, and she moved 6 inches.

Grown man + onesie dinosaur PJs + miniature bike = comedy

Was your weekend this fun? I didn't think so.

Maybe if I stand up I'll do better. Josh is playing the part of "witness for the insurance lawsuit."

At some point Rob just decided to take off on the bike and ended up at the Wawa down the street.

What was Krystyn doing this whole time? Knitting. That's fun too, I guess.

Rob hates everything, and so does Jay. Except giving the camera the finger. He LOVES that.

These beer towers seemed to be so much taller in college.

Kiefy and Jen making out

Me and Jen. Wait, why are we smiling?

That's more like it.

Cos and Renee went to bed much later than everyone hoped.

Since Cos and Renee were sleeping in the same room that everyone else was hanging out in, we all decided to go to bed before they started complaining.

Speedy is confused.

As is Scott. Wait, when did Scott get here?

I'm so pissed that I have to go to bed.

Since Jill didn't show up for the first night we were all super pumped. I got to steal her bed, which, unfortunately, gives her the long-awaited satisfaction of saying I slept in her bed. When I got up I ran down to Acme to buy all the stuff I forgot to pack (basically every toiletry imaginable, and some awesome instant oatmeal).

Josh has been to so many weddings lately that he just decided to buy a tuxedo and a Statue of Liberty crown.

Cos wasn't posing for a different camera, he just saw something shiny across the room.

Rob, getting ready and laughing at the fact that we're trying to get 12 people into two cars.

You thought I was joking? Jay rode in the trunk.

I never know which is worse: the middle seat or getting crushed against the door.

By the end of the 10 minute drive to the wedding Cosimo had grown a beard.

I felt like I was at the circus with all these clowns getting out of the car.

The wedding was on the beach, so the address was kind of vague. We just decided to follow the other crowds.

We found it on the first try! Sam (the groom) and Odie (the best man) greeted guests as they came in.

And 50 yards away people were fishing and playing wiffle ball.

Photographer, Odie, Sam, Reverend Adam

This is my favorite picture of the day, because the cello player was playing classical music and two seconds earlier Sam had to motion to Kevin (in a Hawaiian shirt and thermal) to stop drinking his 24 oz Old Milwaukee Ice can. The perfect mixture of class and Kevin.

Every time a person jogged, walked, or drove by the wedding Cos would boo as loudly as he could.

"BOOOOOOOOOOO! PUT A SHIRT ON, YOU'RE NOT MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY!"

This made Kiefy uncomfortable.

Cosimo makes us all uncomfortable, except Renee.

Josh and Christina, trying to stay warm.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Does he drive on the street with fishing poles like that?

Mort arrived in his bagpiping outfit.

Hahahhaha, look at his little sock tassels.

The keyboard player and cello player started playing music from one of those spooky Halloween sound effects CDs.

Sam and Odie went down to the ocean to "take care of an emergency."

Really? Can't these people see there's a wedding going on?

Shhhhhh...it's starting!

Gina's crying already.

I didn't think she'd last long.

The ceremony was filled with nervous laughter from Sam and Gina. It was great.

Adam started the ceremony off exactly like the guy from The Princess Bride.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Readings.

Some people light a unity candle at their wedding. Sam and Gina lit off a bottle rocket.

Yeah! Making out! Everyone applaud!

Husband and wife.

And then Mort did his best to scare away all the fish.

The reception was at the Pearl House, which was right across the street from the ceremony.

Signature cocktails seem to be the new fad at weddings and I think Gina had an excellent choice.

Kevin quickly snagged the best seat at the cocktail hour. The rest of us were forced to elbow our way through people on the porch.

Me, Mort, Renee

Me and Odie, the BEST man.

Josh and Mort, enjoying some of the best beer selection I've ever seen at a wedding: PBR, Guinness, Dogfish Head 60 minute IPA, Genessee Cream Ale, Miller High Life, Miller Lite, Busch Light, Moosehead, Various Lancaster Brewing Company brews, Peroni, Michelob Ultra, Molson Dry, and some more that I can't remember. Who has that many beers at their wedding?

Josh, double fisting High Life and PBR. In a tuxedo. So good.

Kiefy was double fisting vodka cranberries.

Sam and Gina, playing the part of Tony and Tina (but for real this time, not like they normally do)

Odie and Kiefy

Jen, examining some sort of cloth, on which you're supposed to write tips for the bride and groom for their wedding night. Instead, we wrote the foulest things we could think of and signed them with Kiefy's name.

Me and Gina

Jessie and Kevin enjoying some food and Busch Light cans.

Odie gave the best man speech about how Sam and Gina met, which apparently wasn't entirely true because Kevin kept yelling, "NOT TRUE!" as he told it.

Cos is kind of a close talker.

Scott, doing his impression of Mort circa 2005.

Me, Odie's brother (I think?), Sander

Medina kept pushing her rack up against the back of my head and I obviously hated it and was pleading for her to stop.

Ugh.

Sam brewed his own beer for the party favors, and he also brewed the mead for the toast. Guests got one of the two featured brews: Gina's Amaretto Nut Brown and Sam's Schwarzwald Stout. None of them made it out of the reception.

Jen and Rob, looking hot as hell.

Sam and Gina getting ready to cut the cake.

Then they shoved it in each other's faces.

Neither of them are Jewish, but Sam and Gina wanted to be lifted up on chairs. I thought this was great because, when you pay as much as people pay to get married these days, you get to do whatever you want.

I have no idea where they came from, but all of the sudden I looked up and there were parasols everywhere.

Who gave one to Scott? You know it's not going to end in one piece.

See? He just took it and repeatedly smashed it against CJ's as hard as he could.

Speedy approves

And Scott mocks him.

Me and Rob, excited not for the wedding, but for this specific picture.

No idea what caused this picture, but it deserves to be on the internet.

Me and Jill, clearly infatuated with me.

Vinny, Bruce, and Jessie

Medina and Jill, trying to make out with me, which disgusts me. I know, they may seem attractive in pictures, but they are hideous if you know them in person. Alright, whatever, I guess they're bearable.

Medina dragged Jay onto the dance floor and he was THRILLED.

Mr. and Mrs. Speedy

Kevin, riding Jill and her scooter

Me and Bruce, pumped for a Super Bowl Gang Bang

I asked where the bathroom was, and they told me to go upstairs. Someone was in there, so I waited, and when the door opened it was Mort that I was following into the bathroom. As if that wasn't bad enough, when I went in and started peeing, he opened the door all the way. I managed to kick the door closed without peeing all over everything, but then a woman walked in on me trying to steal all of the toiletries.

Who dresses their kid in a Run DMC shirt for a wedding?

Me and Gina. Gina later came up to me on the dance floor, squatted with her butt on my thigh, and farted on me in her wedding dress. Classy.

Everyone lifted Sam up and carried him around the dance floor.

The dance floor started to get packed, so I had to step back.

So did Sam, but it was only to stand on a table and challenge Odie to a dance off.

Odie agreed.

I love it.

I, along with everyone else, was waiting for the tables to collapse.

This may be a still picture, but you can tell that Rob was dancing like a madman.

I was waiting for a table to collapse when ONE person was on it, let alone six people. so great.

I'm a mess.

The night started to wind down, but that didn't stop Kiefy and Odie from dancing on the grass.

I don't know who this guy is, but he showed up with a guitar and started playing while everyone started to leave.

Gina, looking for another victim to fart on.

Back at the room, Speedy and Krystyn went to bed early.

While the rest of us stayed up and played Asshole.

I don't remember her name, but this girl showed up after the wedding and I screamed at her, "I don't know you but I want to punch you in the face."

Scott passed out on a chair.

Everyone started to feel a little tired.

(girl who's name I forget) covering her yawns.

Kiefy and Medina

Rob, looking sexier-than-usual

Renee, still wide awake.

Jay and Josh were still drinking

Jill, still lusting after me

Alright, when even Josh is starting to fade, you know it's time for bed.

The next morning everyone met up at Chicken or the Egg.

Josh and Christina, with some extra Chicken or the Egg to go.

If you find yourself in LBI, make sure to stop by Chicken or the Egg. They have the best veggie chicken wings I've ever had in my life, so I'm sure the actual wings are out of this world.

(back) Clif & Ashley's Wedding | The Worst Witch (next)

Clif & Ashley's Wedding

2009-10-04T22:10:00.012-04:00

As most of you already know, Julie and I have decided to get a divorce. It had been coming for some time now, and if you really want to hear the entire story of how and why, you can email me or ask me in person and I'll go through the whole thing. It's actually kind of disappointing and boring because there wasn't some sort of dramatic catalyst (adultery, abuse, addiction, or any other words that start with "a"), it just didn't work out.

Luckily, one week after we finalized our decision to get divorced, we still had to go to Clif and Ashley's wedding! Whoo hoo! As if that's not awkward enough, Clif is Julie's ex-husband!

So just a recap: Julie and I decided to get divorced, and a week later I'm going with her to her ex-husband's wedding. I love my life.

Clif and the groomsmen

Clif and Ashley's daughter, Morgan, really stole the show

No one could keep their eyes off of her.

Ashley

I don't remember the woman's name who did the ceremony, but she was at our table and she was pretty funny.

Every once in a while Morgan would decide to just spin in a circle or do something funny. I couldn't stop watching her.

I stopped taking pictures of the ceremony.

Oh, it's over already!

The ceremony and reception were at The Walpack Inn up in the middle of nowhere near the Delaware Water Gap. If you think I live in the middle of nowhere, you should try driving to that place.

The decor was very, ummmm, rustic? For example, in this photo we have a stuffed coyote leaping at a stuffed bird, and two pictures of dead rabbits hung by their hind legs.

Again, I think we left before they cut the cake.

Best smoker's lounge ever.

The men's room had these creepy pictures staring at you in the stalls. Creepy.

One last picture of this "happy" couple.

Is it weird to try to pick up single ladies at your wife's ex-husband's wedding? Maybe it is while making this face?

Or maybe it's just weird if she helps?

Congratulations to Clif and Ashley!

(back) Stacy & Josh's Wedding | Sam & Gina's Wedding (next)

Stacy & Josh's Wedding

2009-08-30T19:47:00.009-04:00

I received Stacy and Josh's invitation to their wedding and I was thrilled. Yes, because I was excited to see my friends get married, but mostly because of two words: Casual Dress. The wedding was going to be luau themed! I called Stacy to make sure.

Me: When you say "casual dress" do you mean button shirt and dress pants, or do you mean Hawaiian shirt and shorts?
Stacy: Hawaiian shirt and shorts would be AWESOME.
Me: Alright, pumped as hell!

Julie and I got there a tad late. (as usual)

We ended up getting a lot of pictures of the backs of people's heads.

See?

Ah, there they are!

Okay, off to the reception area. First stop: the bar. They had three themed drinks to choose from: Mojitos, Margaritas, and Pina Coladas. Every mojito I've ever had tasted like rye bread, and this one was no different.

The wedding was at a golf course, so they had a decorated golf cart they rode in on.

First dance with the bride and groom.

I kinda wish people lifted me up in a chair at my wedding. It looks kind of fun. I'll do that next time.

Lots of people were dancing. The band was really good, and I'm pretty sure it was the first time I heard Green Day at a wedding.

Me, Josh, Stacy, Julie

The cake looked tasty, but I don't remember if we stayed long enough to have any.

They had a woman there that was teaching people to hula dance. For some reason she gave everyone these sticks to bang together.

Two minutes later Big John started yelling, "Stop that, it's annoying!"

She was dressed VERY casually.

Stacy and Josh (not pictured) joined the bands for some songs during the night.

(back) Rangers vs. Yankees | Clif & Ashley's Wedding (next)

Rangers vs. Yankees

2009-08-27T09:44:00.022-04:00

For my dad's 60th birthday my brother and I decided to take him to see the Yankees play the Rangers in the first season of the new Yankee Stadium.

Whenever I leave the house I have to say to Dixie, "Time for work," so she'll jump up on her chair, then give me a pathetic look that makes me feel bad about leaving her at the house. Most of the time I just turn around and don't even look at her or else I feel like crap for the next 10 minutes that I'm in the car.

Alright, the time for feeling like crap is over!

Sorry old man, I get shotgun. I don't care if you are 60, you have to sit in the back.

George Washington Bridge means we're getting close!

First view of the new Yankee Stadium, which isn't really much of a view at all.

And a view of old, crappy Yankee Stadium. Everyone talked about how they didn't want a new Yankee Stadium because the old stadium has so much history. Well, history is great and all, but that's what pictures are for. Let's face it: the old stadium was really, really crappy.

Good riddance.

Our first in-person look at what a billion dollars will buy you.

If you forget that it's worth more than you and your entire family will see in ten lifetimes, it's pretty awesome.

Babe Ruth Plaza, outside the main entrance. I wonder if it threw up any red flags to anyone that I was taking pictures of other people's kids.

The main outer concourse area is so much nicer with huge banners of past Yankee greats and a life-sized replica of the top of my dad's head.

Concourse area (head not pictured)

We immediately ran to our seats in the left field bleachers to get a look at our view for the game.

If we were gonna catch a home run ball it was going to have to be a record-breaking hit because we were pretty far past the outfield fence.

They really did an awesome job with the concession stands at the new park. This food stand was located directly behind the bleachers, so you just turn around and you're there. You never have to miss a moment of the game.

Yeah, everything is a *bit* pricey. Like $12 for a double cheeseburger.

We took a quick victory lap around the stadium before the game started. It seemed like there weren't many bad seats or blind spots in the entire stadium.

The screen was visible and clear from every seat, too, even from the sides.

All of the concession stands had plastic, trash, and compost bins.

Wait a minute, compost bins? Really? That's pretty awesome.

We went back to our section and snuck down to take a picture of the away dugout and my dad trying to figure out how to use his camera.

Behind our section they have a wall displaying the years of all 26 World Series Championships. That's 26 more than the Padres, Nationals, Rockies, Astros, Brewers, Rays, Mariners, and Rangers have combined.

AJ Burnett warming up with...some...other guy.

We were sitting in section 203 in the right field bleachers, which is the home of the "bleacher creatures." For you non-Yankee fans, this is traditionally the rowdiest section of the stadium, and also where the roll-call starts at the beginning of each game. Occasionally athletes and celebrities will sit there, as it is viewed as a spot where the "true" fans sit. At this particular game, Ron Blomberg (former Yankee who was the first designated hitter in baseball) was sitting in the section 203.

Yankees take the field.

The guy standing in the middle is Bald Vinny. He starts the roll call at every game.

Basically he starts chanting each player's name and the whole section joins in until the player acknowledges them, usually with a wave or, in Nick Swisher's case, a salute. Nick Swisher loves it.

I decided to take a walk around the stadium half way through the game to get a better look at the concourse.

There's plenty of space for standing room, and they let you just walk up and watch wherever you want as long as you're not blocking the aisle.

The old Yankee Stadium felt like you were in someone's basement when you walked around the concourse area.

What an improvement over that old dump.

Third base side.

You can buy almost any type of food you want, too. Like...raw meat.

It was pretty crowded at some food stands, but look how wide the aisle is!

Ugh, I wish this YMCA crap died with the old stadium.

Okay, back to the game.

See how close we are to the players? So if you were chanting at them, they could definitely hear you, right? So you can imagine how uncomfortable it was when the whole section started chanting the following things at Josh Hamilton on the Rangers:
"You're a druggie *clap clap clapclapclap*"
"Eight ball! *clap clap* Eight ball! *clap clap*"
"Where's your wife? Where's your wife?"
"Your kids hate you! *clap clap clapclapclap*"

They already started dismantling the old stadium to sell.

That's a lot of people emptying out of the stadium at the same time. Good thing I stopped in the middle of them to take a picture. They were thrilled with that.

Oh yeah, and the Yankees lost.

(back) Anniversary | Stacy and Josh's Wedding (next)

Anniversary

2009-08-10T19:06:00.005-04:00

Happy 2nd Anniversary!

Only one picture for this one. Funny, normally I take tons of pictures. It's almost as if there's something wrong...

(back) Flying Squirrels and Raccoons | Rangers vs. Yankees (next)

Flying Squirrels and Raccoons

2009-06-23T19:05:00.005-04:00

When Julie and I moved in back in November of 2007, we were warned by our neighbors about our bird feeder on our deck. Our deck is approximately 20 feet off the ground, so it is completely surrounded by a railing with only one entrance/exit. They were afraid that it would attract bears which would get stuck on our deck. (even though they keep their garbage cans outside 24/7) We never had any bear problems on our deck, but we have had plenty of other animals.

This is Ricky the Racoon. He visits us all the time and tries to eat from the bird feeder.

This is him "hiding" when I make noise and yell at him to leave.

Most of you have seen raccoons before and probably aren't that impressed, but have you seen a flying squirrel before?

They're nocturnal, so you probably won't see them during the day, but they're out there.

I hear this guy all the time.

This is the best shot I could get of his webbing. After I took this picture he took off like a madman into the tree.

(back) Jim Breuer | 2nd Anniversary (next)

Jim Breuer

2009-03-14T19:02:00.003-04:00

I love stand up comedians. I was on lunch at work one day and I saw a flier up at the pizza place around the corner from our warehouse. It was for a stand up comedy show with Jim Breuer...at the local high school! It turns out he lives in the next town over and was doing a show to benefit the marching band or fencing club or some other crap. Here, he'll tell you about it:

He was really funny and did a meet and greet at the end. It was bizarre listening to him tell jokes about the local Shop Rite and the road I drive on to go to work, but it was good. He was really cool and talked to Julie for like 15 minutes about SPCA stuff while he ignored me. Awesome.

(back) Merry Christmas | Flying Squirrels and Raccoons (next)

Merry Christmas

2008-12-25T18:59:00.004-05:00

Merry Christmas from the Larson-Wormanns! (Julie, Velcro, Georgie, Winky, Monkey, Dixie, and Eric)

And especially Dixie! She got all dressed in her holiday bandana and everything!

(back) Walk For Farm Animals | Jim Breuer (next)

Walk For Farm Animals

2008-09-28T21:20:00.005-04:00

Julie and I, once again, participated in the Walk For Farm Animals to benefit the Farm Sanctuary. This was our third year participating together (2007, 2006) and our third year dressing as farm animals. We raised more than we expected (I don't remember how much) but the entire event raised $231, 458 for the Farm Sanctuary!

I was the pig, Julie was the cow.

Walking around Columbus Circle in an animal costume is the best.

The best part about it is making children cry and dogs try to attack you.

And then we danced around the rest of the day.

(back) Niagara Falls: Part III | Merry Christmas (next)