Poconos

It's that time of year again. Rob invited everyone up for another great (possibly the last?) Poconos party! Everyone else drove up there Friday (don't you people have jobs?) but Stacy and Josh were nice enough to let me catch a ride with them on Saturday.

I was trying to get a picture of myself in the mirror, but instead managed to get a picture of Josh on the phone. He was calling Sirius radio because they had a problem with his billing. He sounded angry and kept getting transferred, and I just sat in the back reading because I knew it was gonna get ugly. He finally hung up, and I was like, "So...how'd that go for you?" He said, "Great. They refunded my credit card for this month's service, and they gave me three more free months of service." I need to grow a backbone on the phone so stuff like that starts happening to me.

One of my favorite things about driving up to the Poconos is that I feel like I'm driving from a normal, populated New Jersey suburban town, and then, two hours later, I'm in a house in the middle of the woods. Unfortunately, when you're driving from Stacy and Josh's house, you're pretty much in the middle of the woods right from the beginning.

Pennsylvania! As I mentioned before, Josh had a problem with his Sirius radio, so instead we listened to Richard Cheese the entire trip.

Fast forward, and we're all packed into the driveway at the Poconos! My favorite part of the Poconos parties is that, when you arrive, everyone runs outside and cheers! Here's shirtless Sam, Gina, and Jen welcoming us!

Kiefy and me. I need to get my own camera, because when I'm trying to take pictures with other people's cameras I end up yelling, "TAKE THE PICTURE" at the camera while it flashes and then I look goofy.

Me and Jen, with no flash. That's okay, there'll be more later.

Inside I found Kevin, who was staring at his soda waiting for the foam to settle.

After we went inside and put our stuff down, Sam screamed, "BARE BUTTS IN THE SNOW!", ran outside, pulled down his shorts, and put his bare butt in the snow.

Buttcheek prints.

Rob and Jen were already starting up the beer pong out on the back porch.

They were playing against Kiefy (who doesn't even like beer, which confuses me every time I see her playing beer pong)...

...and Sam, who is the second best beer pong player I've ever seen. (second only to Jean, who's so tall and has such long arms that he dunks each ball)

I was cold and forgot to pack a sweatshirt, so Krystyn and Gina made me a sweater.

Upstairs Odie was playing Ice Hockey on Nintendo against the Russians, while Kevin provided play-by-play as if it was the actual Olympic gold medal finals. I have to say, it was more entertaining than the actual Olympics.

Odie lost 5 games in a row, but made improvements each time until finally his two fats-two skinnies combo worked. We were so excited when we won, I've never felt so patriotic.

A crowd of Cos, Speedy, and Krystyn gathered to see what the excitement was all about. I decided to go back downstairs to check out the beer pong.

Sam, Scott, and Cosimo went outside to go chase the wild turkeys (or "hunt for dinner" as they said) so Kiefy was missing a beer pong partner. I was happy to jump in.

Surpringsly they couldn't catch the turkeys. Sam was very disappointed that he'd been bumped from the beer pong table, and then insulted my mad skills. (which was appropriate because I'm horrible at beer pong)

Upstairs, Krystyn and Stacy went to sleep already. You may notice the sun peeking in through the blinds. That's because it was only...

5:30!!!! Hahahahahah! Lightweights!

Back downstairs, Renee started telling me the story of her friends that got engaged and then one of them attacked a family with an ax or something. Then Scott jumped in to correct her because she forgot about the part where someone broke someone's windshield. Then Cos jumped in to tell his version. Then, finally, we defaulted to Kevin to start the story over and tell it correctly. In the future, if you ever have a story that you need to tell me and Kevin was there, just default to him because he'll tell it better.

Gina and Sam, in bright white sweatshirts. They're very fashionable.

Cosimo and Renee (and I see Krystyn is up from her nap in the background)

You may recall that Gina, at her wedding, in her wedding dress, decided to fart on my leg during the reception. Later, I got her back at Meesh's birthday party, shortly before she returned the air poop to my leg in the same night. Well, we are still warring and exchanged another round of ass-ammunition before coming up with another plan: I wanted to get a picture of Gina farting on everyone at the party. First victim: Stacy.

It was dark out on the porch, so we lit up the spider-web-covered bird to keep things festive.

Sorry Krystyn, you're victim #2. Only 14 more people to go.

Rob and Odie made preparations to fight off any of Gina's fart attempts.

Unfortunately Josh and Christina couldn't make it, so Jen, Rob, Kiefy, Gina, and Speedy did their best Josh poses for this one.

Sorry Mr. Josh, you're vitim #3. Rob loves it.

Whoever was in charge of the ipod put on some Oasis, which caused a massive sing along.

I saw Odie drawing on the pizza box. I thought maybe he was writing down a message for someone, or adding to the pizza logo, or something else creative...

Then I remembered it was Odie.

Okay, back to the beer pong. Odie and Speedy kept throwing change on the table when it was my turn to throw, and they'd arrange it in weird orders depending on where I threw.

So I decided to try the same (which didn't have the same effect, as you can see by the lone cup remaining on my side)

I heard the girls going nuts by one of the jukeboxes and wondered what the commotion was about.

Oh, they found "Baby Baby" by Amy Grant.

Sam kept standing on the couch and throwing his hands up in the air. Probably not the best idea. You'll find out why later.

Someone started drawing "tattoos" on everyone's arms. I really hope it was with sharpie.

Mr Josh got a pizza slice with "The Chef" (not to be confused with "The Cube"), and Sam and his buttcheek snow imprints

Keep in mind, the dance party hasn't stopped this whole time.

Rob singing along to Ice Ice Baby. No, not the 1989 version. The 1998 version, which Rob owns.

Oh yeah, everyone's looking really good around this point of the night.

Gina and Kiefy metalling out.

Not quite sure why, but I took a picture of the ceiling fan, which is proof that it was in one piece at the beginning of the night.

The weekend worked out perfectly, because the downstairs party was the wild party, but if you wanted to mellow out you'd come up here to the upstairs party.

Who wouldn't want to come upstairs and chill out with Bear Serving Salsa?

Cosimo and CJ, with Kevin reflecting in the mirror behind them.

Upstairs party is sleepy as hell. Let's go back downstairs.

That's more like it. Sam's wearing Renee's hoodie, Krystyn's dancing, and I've received word that Gina and Kiefy exchanged bras.

Jay approves. Downstairs party is where it's at. Do they have Sweet Onion potato chips at upstairs party? I didn't think so.

I made fun of Sam for wearing Renee's hoodie, not realizing I was wearing Gina's scarf.

Let's just check in on upstairs party again. Oh, looks like they're watching American Psycho on VHS. In 2010.

Hahahahahaha, Mr. Josh alone on the porch, partied out.

And we close out the night with hugs all around. It was really weird that all 17 people went to bed at the exact same time.

And then basically all woke up the next morning at exactly the same time.

Remember when I said Sam kept jumping up and down with his arms up? He got a LITTLE too close to the ceiling fan, breaking off a blade that shot across the room and hit Rob right in the forehead. I REALLY wish I saw it. (Rob was okay, minus a few scratches)

Broken ceiling fan may be the end of the Poconos parties.

We had to start getting the cars out so people could leave, but some of them had trouble because there was still snow on the driveway.

Odie and Speedy tried to dig out the snow from behind their tires while Cosimo and I started throwing snowballs at them and dumping snow right back behind the cars.

Finally, with no help from me, they got out Odie's car, and a full-on snowball fight started.

And as Odie pulled out full speed to avoid us throwing snowballs at his car, he wacked the snow bank at the end of the driveway. Don't worry; Cosimo, Scott, and I confirmed there was no permanent damage.

Next up was Kiefy's car. I stood in front of the tire so that when it spins and kicks up gravel I get pelted with it.

We held this position while speedy dug out some more snow.

(as evidenced by this picture)

Scott started rolling the biggest snowball he could pick up to launch at us while we pushed.

After Speedy came up with the rocking technique we got the car out. Then I stopped helping.

Full-on snowball fight continues.

Krystyn drove Kiefy's car out of the snow. So what did we do when Kiefy tried to get in her car to leave? We threw snowballs at her, of course!

And more snowballs.

And more snowballs.

And more snowballs.

And more as she pulled out.

Alright, who's car is next? Cos, Scott, and Renee?

And the onslaught continues on their car.

Hahahaha, right in the side window.

When we couldn't feel our hands anymore we went back inside, and Kevin read off the list of 1159 words banned from personalized NFL jerseys purchased on NFLshop.com. Out loud. To save you some time, I'll list my top 10 favorites for you:

1. ASS PUPPIES

2. BAZONGAS

3. BUTTPLUG

4. CROTCH ROT

5. CUMQUAT

6. TONGUE THRUSTER

7. GENITAL

8. HERSHEYHIGHWAY

9. JUGGALO

10. PUBE LICE

This went on for a while.

Stacy, Josh, and I packed up and made our way home, until this jerk wouldn't get out of the road.

MOVE!

Cross the Delaware, and we're back in NJ where we belong!

(back) Brooklyn Brewery | Memorial Day Weekend (next)